Jokes Nation

Welcome to Jokes Nation

2010-08-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

Jokes Nation is a Collection of best jokes from all over the world.
Just for you to have a quick laugh when you are at work or at home.

Check out our IT jokes section for some crazy software engineer jokes.

If you would like to Contribute to Jokes Nation please email your Jokes at
jokesnation@gmail.com

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Top Ten ABCD (Anerican Born Confused Desi) Jokes

2007-08-19T01:21:00.002-07:00

10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste.

9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case.

8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe
Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you
get here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM
(like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years.

7. You like Broccoli.

6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV.

5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right."

4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a
"Howz it goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and keep walking on.

3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is weird.

2. You refer to India as a Third World Country.

1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in the Humor Page.

Pakistani Hell

2007-08-19T01:21:00.001-07:00

A pakistani dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the pakistani hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the pakistani devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."

Munna Bhai Joke#3

2007-08-19T01:20:00.002-07:00

PRINCIPAL :
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.
MUNNA BHAI :
Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

Munna Bhai Joke#2

2007-08-19T01:20:00.001-07:00

MUNNA BHAI :
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT :
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI :
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT :
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

Munna Bhai Joke#1

2007-08-19T01:19:00.001-07:00

CIRCUIT :
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI :
Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT :
Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko.
MUNNA BHAI :
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT :
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.

Molvi Sahb

2007-08-19T01:18:00.002-07:00

Girl: molvi sab i m in love.
Molvi:Naoozbila,Asteghirula,
Laholwala,Toba,Toba.........
Girl:No molvi sab...........
I am in love with u.........
Molvi:MashaAllah,JazakAllah,
SubanAllah,Whaa,Whaa........

Complicated name

2007-08-19T01:18:00.001-07:00

An Indian guy named "Anantharaman Subbaraman" arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name.

He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.

They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as
*
*
"Anotherman Superman"

Some PAk team jokes

2007-08-19T01:14:00.001-07:00

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Pakistani Innings.
*
Where do Pakistani batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.
*
When would Rana-Naveed have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.
*
What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Pakistani batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.
*
How to increase the chances of Pakistani batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
Try giving them two overs to begin with, then try three and so on.
*
What is the Pakistani version of a hat-trick?
3 runs in 3 balls
*
What is the height of optimism ?
Inzi coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.
*
Phone Call for Inzi:
Pakistan Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)
Wife :"Can I talk to Inzi, this is his wife."
Pakistan Team Manager:"Sorry, he is just going to bat"
Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"

Jock Or A Nerd?

2007-08-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd"?

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.

In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

... However...

... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins

Expectant Father

2007-08-17T10:47:00.001-07:00

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on.

By mistake he dialled the number for Lord's.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

English Cricket and Rain

2007-08-17T10:46:00.004-07:00

There was a long drought in Central Africa. The witch doctor had tried all his rainmaking dances, imprecations, but to no avail.

One of the elders observed that rain was never a problem in England, so why not send the witch doctor to London to learn the secret.

Off he went to England, learned the secret, and returned to the tribe.

He informed the leaders that these crazy white men had a big paddock of grass enclosed by a white picket fence.

In the middle were two lots of sticks driven into the ground. Two men, each with a club, stood next to these sticks and waited for a lot of other men to spread themselves all over the paddock. Then two more men, wearing black trousers, four sweaters and six hats, came out to keep a close watch on the men with the clubs. Then one man got a red rock and threw it at one of the fellers with a club. AND DOWN CAME THE RAIN!

Bribe The Umpire

2007-08-17T10:46:00.003-07:00

'I can't understand it,' said the captain. 'It was such an important game that I bribed the umpire and yet we still lost.'

'Terrible, isn't it,' a bowler agreed. 'It's getting so you can't trust anyone.'

Cricket Fan in the Office

2007-08-17T10:46:00.001-07:00

A cricket enthusiast had three trays installed in his office labelled 'In' , 'Out' , and 'L.B.W.' .

A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of 'In' and 'Out' but what did 'L.B.W.' mean ?

And the cricket enthusiast replied : "Let the Bastards Wait."

The New Ball

2007-08-17T10:45:00.004-07:00

A famous fast bowler was introduced to an areb sheik who boasted that he had eighty three wives .

The bowler retorted " You only need two more , and you're entitled to a new ball."

Devils Versus Angels Cricket Match

2007-08-17T10:45:00.003-07:00

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

Is Cricket Played in Heaven?

2007-08-17T10:45:00.001-07:00

A very keen cricketer asked a divine, allegedly with good connections on high , whether there was any cricket in heaven .

The priest replied:"I cant tell you now , but if you come back on Sunday , I might have an answer . "

On sundaythe priest told the cricketer : "I've had good news and bad news . The good news is : Yes , there is cricket in heaven . And now for the bad news : You are in to bat on Friday !"

Aliens and Cricket

2007-08-17T10:44:00.001-07:00

Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs.

They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed.

When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.

"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."

"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"

"Then it begins to rain."

Cricket Vampire

2007-08-17T10:43:00.002-07:00

Mrs Jones : I'd like my son to be excused playing cricket. I don't think he should mix with that sort of person.

Teacher: How d'you mean?

Mrs Jones: Well; I distinctly heard him say that the man in the white coat was a vampire!

CRICKET: As explained to a foreigner...

2007-08-17T10:43:00.001-07:00

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

No dogs allowed

2007-08-17T09:49:00.003-07:00

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

The customs of an Irishman

2007-08-17T09:49:00.001-07:00

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A bet

2007-08-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

fast drinker

2007-08-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

A neutron at a bar

2007-08-17T09:43:00.001-07:00

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Reasons to allow drinking at work

2007-08-17T09:42:00.004-07:00

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Newly issued alcohol warnings

2007-08-17T09:42:00.003-07:00

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Making a bet at a bar

2007-08-17T09:42:00.001-07:00

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

You look a lot like my wife

2007-08-17T09:41:00.001-07:00

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

I didn't get any money this time

2007-08-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Arriving home very drunk

2007-08-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Yo Mama(52-54)

2007-08-15T14:04:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is so black, when she got out of her car, the oil light came on.

Yo moma is so old, I told her to act her age and she died.

Yo momas' breath is so bad, people look forward to her farts.

Yo Mama(49-51)

2007-08-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

Yo moma is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn.

Yo moma is so fat, when she sat down in church, God said 'Move over'.

Yo moma is so fat, when she wore a yellow rain coat and ran down the street, a kid said 'Dang, I missed my bus'.

Yo Mama(46-48)

2007-08-15T13:47:00.002-07:00

Yo moma is so stupid, she went to enter a stupid contest and they said 'No professionals'

Yo moma is so ugly, she went to the salon and it took 3 hours just to get an estimate.

Yo moma is so ugly, she walked past a mirror and scared herself.

Yo Mama(43-45)

2007-08-15T13:47:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is so stupid, she put your brother in rehab, because he was hooked on phonics.

Yo moma is like a bowling ball, people pick her up, finger her, throw her in the gutter and she comes back for more.

Yo moma is so dumb, she stared at am orange juice carton for 20 minutes, because it said 'Concentrate'.

Yo Mama(40-42)

2007-08-15T13:46:00.004-07:00

Yo moma is so fat, the horse on her polo shirt is real.

Yo moma is so poor, when I stepped on a lit match in her living room, she yelled 'Who turned off all the heating!'

Yo moma is so fat, when there was a drop of water in the bath tub, she sat in it and it overflowed.

Yo Mama(37-39)

2007-08-15T13:46:00.003-07:00

Yo moma is so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Yo moma is so fat, the last time she saw 9-0-2-1-0 was on a rictor scale.

Yo moma is so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in ABC order!

Yo Mama(34-36)

2007-08-15T13:46:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is so poor, a bum wanted to give her money.

Yo moma is so fat, when she stepped on the scales it said 'To Be Continued'.

Yo moma is so fat, when she stepped on the scales it said 'One at a time please'.

Yo Mama(31-33)

2007-08-15T13:45:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is like a christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.

Yo moma is so fat, when she jumped into the ocean, she flooded the whole world.

Yo moma is so stupid, she went to get the newspaper from in front of her house and forgot where she lives.

Yo Mama(28-30)

2007-08-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yo moma is so fat, when she went scuba diving, they thought it was an oil spill.

Yo moma is so fat, when she walked past the tv she missed three commercials.
There are only two ugly people on earth and yo moma is both of them.

Yo Mama(25-27)

2007-08-15T13:43:00.002-07:00

yo mama is so poor when i went to visit her 2 cockroaches tripped me and a mouse tried to steal my wallet.

Yo moma is so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.

Yo moma is so fat, she has to take a bath in the Pacific ocean.

Yo Mama(22-24)

2007-08-15T13:43:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is so fat, when she jumps into the air, she gets stuck.

Yo moma is like a race car, she burns ten rubbers a day.

Yo moma's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she has Buckweet in a headlock.

Yo Mama(19-21)

2007-08-15T13:42:00.002-07:00

Yo moma is so fat, her belly button has an echo.

Yo moma is so fat, she has a sock for each toe.

Yo moma is so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.

Yo Mama(16-18)

2007-08-15T13:42:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is so ugly, she went into a haunted house with tickets and came out with a job.
Yo moma is so fat, she sat on the toilet and it said get yo fat ass off.

Yo moma is so dumb, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

Yo Mama(13-15)

2007-08-15T13:41:00.002-07:00

Yo moma is so fat, by the time she shuts her eyes to go to sleep, it's time to get up again

Yo moma is so poor, she has to put the toilet paper out to dry.

Yo moma is so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

Yo Mama(10-12)

2007-08-15T13:41:00.001-07:00

Yo moma is like a TV, even a three year old can turn her on.

Yo moma is so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo moma is so dumb, when she got locked in a food stall she died of hunger

Yo Mama(7-9)

2007-08-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yo moma is so dirty, that when I walked past her house, I got -

robbed by a rat, raped by a roach, and hit over the head with a stale biscuit.

Yo moma is so fat, when she farted everyone thought the terrorists were coming.

Yo moma is so fat, somebody said "It's chilly outside", she ran and got a bowl.

Yo Mama(4-6)

2007-08-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yo moma is like Blackpool tower, everyone's been on her

Yo moma is so ugly, she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares.

Yo moma is so fat, she has her own zip code.

Yo Mama(1-3)

2007-08-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yo moma's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo moma' so poor, when I walked in the front door, I came out the back.

Yo Moma's so fat, every time she turns round, it's her birthday

First Class Blonde

2007-08-15T08:55:00.001-07:00

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

One Blonde To Another

2007-08-15T08:53:00.001-07:00

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Tootsie Roll Pop

2007-08-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

Someone saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, "So,... how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
Without a thought, the blonde replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper."

Escaping from Jail

2007-08-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

This blonde,brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says"meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells"who's out there? The brunette says"meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP."Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".

Hello UFO

2007-08-15T08:24:00.002-07:00

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country
road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned
about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in
big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with
shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the
tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally
uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've
been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO'
means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

Catching the Blonde

2007-08-15T08:24:00.001-07:00

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign

"If I catch you, you're mine."

NASA Experiment

2007-08-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

Blonde getting a Car

2007-08-15T08:16:00.002-07:00

One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.
She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!
She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"
He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to shit yourself when hear the price!"

Blonde Logic

2007-08-15T08:16:00.001-07:00

Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!

Ventriloquist

2007-08-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

The Circle

2007-08-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

General Jokes

2007-08-14T08:29:00.001-07:00

Coffee Shop
Up the Stairs they go

Sports Jokes

2007-08-14T08:01:00.004-07:00

School Jokes

2007-08-14T08:01:00.003-07:00

Redneck Jokes

2007-08-14T08:01:00.001-07:00

Political Jokes

2007-08-14T08:00:00.004-07:00

One Liner Jokes

2007-08-14T08:00:00.003-07:00

Nerd Jokes

2007-08-14T08:00:00.001-07:00

Jock or Nerd

Military Jokes

2007-08-14T07:59:00.002-07:00

Math Jokes

2007-08-14T07:59:00.001-07:00

Marriage Jokes

2007-08-14T07:58:00.002-07:00

Lawyer Jokes

2007-08-14T07:58:00.001-07:00

Insults

2007-08-14T07:57:00.004-07:00

Idiots Jokes

2007-08-14T07:57:00.003-07:00

Bar Jokes

2007-08-14T07:57:00.001-07:00

Arriving home very drunk
I didn't get any money this time
You look a lot like my wife
Making a bet at a bar
Newly issued alcohol warnings
Reasons to allow drinking at work
A neutron at a bar
Fast drinker
A bet
The customs of an Irishman
No dogs allowed

Yo Mama Jokes

2007-08-14T07:40:00.001-07:00

Yo Mama(1-3)
Yo Mama(4-6)
Yo Mama(7-9)
Yo Mama(10-12)
Yo Mama(13-15)
Yo Mama(16-18)
Yo Mama(19-21)
Yo Mama(22-24)
Yo Mama(25-27)
Yo Mama(28-30)
Yo Mama(31-33)
Yo Mama(34-36)
Yo Mama(37-39)
Yo Mama(40-42)
Yo Mama(43-45)
Yo Mama(46-48)
Y0 Mama(49-51)
Yo Mama(52-54)

IT Jokes

2007-08-14T07:39:00.001-07:00

IT Professional
IT Girls

Cricket Jokes

2007-08-14T07:38:00.002-07:00

Pakistan Cricket
CRICKET: As explained to a foreigner...
Cricket Vampire
Aliens and Cricket
Is Cricket Played in Heaven?
Devils Versus Angels Cricket Match
The New Ball
Cricket Fan in the Office
Bribe The Umpire
English Cricket and Rain
Expectant Father
Some Pak Team Jokes

Office Jokes

2007-08-14T07:38:00.001-07:00

Newton
Albert Einstein said..
An Interview
Difference between you and your boss

Desi Jokes

2007-08-14T07:37:00.001-07:00

Paki Indian
Complicated name
Molvi sab
Munna Bhai Joke#1
Munna Bhai Joke#2
Munna Bhai Joke#3
Pakistani Hell
Top Ten ABCD (Anerican Born Confused Desi) Jokes

Blonde Jokes

2007-08-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Circle
Ventriloquist
The Blonde Logic
Blonde Getting A Car
NASA Experiment
Catching The Blonde
Hello UFO
Escaping From Jail
Tootsie Roll Pop
One Blonde To Another
First Class Blonde

Pakistan Cricket???

2007-08-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their father did for a living All the typical answer came up – businessman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth………

How ever the little boy was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Some times, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him the whole night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly asked the other children to work on some exercises and then took the little boy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"NOT REALLY," the boy said, "He actually plays cricket for Pakistan but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of other kids."

2007-08-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

Irishman declares war

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

NEWTON

2007-08-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They

decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the

den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and

then start searching... ..

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it

right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100.....

... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in

front....... .

Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not

Newton......"

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that

he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m

squared..... That makes me Newton per meter

squared..... . Since one Newton per meter squared is

one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is

OUT.......! ,_

IT GIRLS

2007-08-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are into Information technology
~*~Types Of Girls~*~

HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS:
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off
WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She makes horrible things look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .

VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as "WIFE'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything...

Albert Einstein Said...

2007-08-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

- So long as they don't get violent, I want to let everyone say what they wish, for I myself have always said exactly what pleased me.

- Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

- Imagination is more important than knowledge.

- If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.

- Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

- I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.

- I don't pretend to understand the universe — it's much bigger than I am.

- Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

And my favorite :

"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like

two hours … that's relativity!"

Coffee Shop

2007-08-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

What happens if an insect falls in a cup of coffee?!

The British: will throw the cup into the street and leave the coffee
shop for good.

The American: will get the insect out and drink the coffee.

The Chinese: will eat the insect and drink the coffee.

The Israeli will:

(1) Sell the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese.
(2) Cry on all media channels that he feels insecure.
(3) Accuse the Palestinians, Hizb Allah, Syria and Iran of using
germ-weapons.

(4) Keep on crying about anti-Semitism and violations of human rights.
(5) Ask the Palestinian President to stop planting insects in the cups
of coffee.
(6) Re-occupy the West Bank, Gaza Strip.
(7) Demolish houses, confiscate lands, cut water and electricity from
Palestinian houses and randomly shoot Palestinians.
(8) Ask the United States for urgent military support and a loan of one
million dollars in order to buy a new cup of coffee.
(9) Ask the United Nations to punish the coffee-shop owner by making
him offer free coffee to him till the end of the century.
(10) Last but not least, accuse the whole world to be standing still,
not even sympathizing with the Israeli Nation.

An Interview

2007-08-13T09:59:00.001-07:00

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars.

The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an American engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a Russian doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a Pakistani Politician. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The Pakistani Politician replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the American engineer."

IT Professionals

2007-08-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

2007-08-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

If you take a long time, you're slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy. BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're ass-creeping. BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked!

:)

Ha HA hA

2007-08-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
   sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
   After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
   elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
   75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and
   Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
   concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25
   flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
   tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill
   stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor
   Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will
   tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in
   the car!"

Paki Indian

2007-08-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

There was an Indian, a Pakistani and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
carriage in a train going through Tasmania, Australia. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the
sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia
Schiffer and the Pakistani were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Indian had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Indian
was thinking: "The Pakistani must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed
him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The Indian must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Pakistani and got slapped for it."

The Pakistani was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Indian dumb-ass
again."